My life is somewhat fucked up right now

Yes, nothing from the title is a typo. Ever since 2 days ago, I've lost my appetite. starting from that day, including today, I have only eaten 2-3 complete meals. that first night, I couldn't fall asleep until around 11-12. Last night? I fell asleep at around 10:30 and woke up at 12:25 A.M. Why? I had a dream that I had killed myself. Then from 12:25 A.M. to 6:50 A.M., I had 2 dreams connected into one dream but the dream overall was still pretty bad. Yesterday, due to 2 days of not eating anything (only drank liquids, and no not alcohol lol, but barely drank either), I fainted, started having chest pains, and started having minor headaches and couldn't concentrate on homework. This was due to something that had happened, I honestly don't know how it even started because I had only told my two friends and I don't think either of them would bring it up. Coincidentally, on that day, while I was driving back from Office Max, for the first time, my clutch has slipped. Now, on a manual transmission car, it is a CRUCIAL problem when the clutch slips because that means there is something seriously wrong with the clutch. At the same time, when I turned on the engine, the gear shifter was vibrating way too hard, and it started to make me scared. When I got back home, I immediately called the repair shop that I brought my car to, only to hear a surprise. I told the guy who checked out my car a few weeks ago, he told me that he only fixed Import Tuner Cars. For those who are wondering and don't know what an import tuner car is, it's basically an japanese sports car who have been either modified or not modified. Take a...Honda Civic Hatchback for example. a Civic Hatchback is an import tuner car. My car, a mustang, it's an American Muscle Car, so for me to have heard that he only fixes import tuner cars, destroyed me. My dad had taken me to the wrong place to get my car checked out. I had to reassure myself that I heard right so I asked him, "Import Tuners? You mean japanese cars?" and then he said "yes, japanese cars. what do you own? a ford mustang?" I replied with "Yes, a Ford Mustang." He then replied with "sorry but I only fix Import Tuner cars." After that I just completely 100% froze, the only thing I could reply with was "ok, thanks." After I hung up the phone, I was 100% pissed. I pounded the table in front of me and started having a massive breakdown (Yes, I cried because at that point in time, I knew that my second most prized possession had a 50% possibility that it wouldn't be able to be fixed because I don't know of any muscle car repair shops in the area). I cried for at least 10 minutes and my sister came out to check out what had happened. She had never seen me cry like that in years (perhaps ever since my grandpa passed away). So that was the first main thing that destroyed me emotionally. The second thing that happened was, I received a text message from someone (I'm not going to disclose who sent it to me or what it contained) but after I read through the whole thing, I was completely frozen on my bed with anger, depression, and sadness. I didn't know what to do. Then a few minutes later, I received another message, this time completely ruining my pride in stick shift driving/teaching. By THAT time, I was just...completely beat down. I didn't know what to do. I started having suicidal thoughts (I had a 2 inch pocket knife in front of me) and started rubbing my thumb and pointer finger against the sharp side. Later, I actually let go of the pocket knife and went straight for my garage. Why? because there was a half empty bottle of wine in the refrigerator that was in the garage and I had full access to it. I opened the fridge door, stared at that one specific wine bottle for at least 5 min, finally deciding to let go of that too. Ever since that night, I have lost my appetite, only ate a few crackers, a few pieces of chocolate, drank 2 cups of soy milk, and 4 bottles of Propel. I know for a fact that humans can survive 2 weeks with only consuming liquids, but only 1 week if not consuming any liquids or solid objects. I guess I am on that road now considering what has happened to me so far. I've gone light headed many times, I don't know even how I am managing to still stay up doing daily activities like this. I haven't slept well for the past few days and haven't eaten anything. In fact, I've gained one pound through these 2 days, that's what's weird to me. All I'm doing right now is just waiting...because I do feel that something is going to happen. I absolutely don't know what's going to happen but I do feel that something is going to happen. I'm just hoping that this ends soon because I won't be able to pull this off in the long run, might even fall short. I do have one problem though...

Missing someone...

I did not think the feeling of missing someone would prove to be so painful. It's almost as if...you really want something but you just cannot get it because something is obstructing your way in getting that one thing. There are two people who I miss right now but for each person, the feeling of "missing" them is different. The first person, the type of feeling of 'missing' them is knowing the fact that you will not be able to see them anymore unless it's through webcam chatting, and all you have are months and months of memories u had with them from the past. Those memories keep on coming back to me each and ever day, especially these few days. I only have one visual memory of her but I will not mention where it is.

The second person, the type of 'missing' them is you really want to see them and hang out with them but you can't, because they are doing something that's far more important in terms of 'family comes first' and respect over a hang out with a friend. I had originally planned on hanging out with her yesterday but it was not possible because she had to go down south to her home town for a special occasion. Now I just want break to end because as soon as school starts, I'll see her then and will be able to calm down. She also promised me something but I don't know how that's gonna be possible considering the fact that I will need to excuse myself to leave the house but I will need a very good reason.

I miss both of these people a lot and cannot describe the mental condition I am in right now as well as physically.

Something I hate against my own ethnicity

I sometimes hate being an Asian even though I am one...I've spent 2 days thinking about why this is and now I finally kow why.

You have to be a super smart Asian who stands out from the others to not be teased, not be insulted, and not to be judged. All of what I'm about to say right now comes from my own experience and my thoughts from what I've seen before.

being teased
I've been teased ever since middle school, because I was immature, didn't know better, always followed what other people did (I still do right now, sometimes). I didn't have that many good friends, though the real friends that I have were actually good friends to me. The people who teased me were all caucasians. I don't want to sound like I'm racist and I really do mean it when I say this becaude when I was in middle school, most of those kids used me, guided me wrong. When I thought they were just trying to be friendly with me, no, that was wrong too.

insulted
I was insulted just as much as I was being teased. Now, there were 2 other Asians in my grade as well but they were academically beyond my level, so what exactly happened to me? This was what happened. I was called names, looked down on as a nobody. I was even used as 'bait' during games, no matter if it was during P.E or actual recess time after lunch period. Just whenever they got the chance, they either teased/insulted/looked down on me. Even now, in in high school, same thing happens. Sometimes they get to a point where they piss me off a lot, or sometimes I just ignore them because their arguments prove to be worthless to argue about. For some people, this just isn't right. Now I'm not talking about the adults or anything, because I know that adults know better about what is right and what is wrong, I'm talking specifically about young adults who are either my age, just a bit older than me, or a bit younger than me, because they don't understand it yet. Now, I know I can't blame them since young adults brains don't fully develop until they are 25 (learned this from psychology class XD), but the thing is I believe they can still be given the information from their parents in an easier way. The time when most of this hits is definitely in high school, perhaps probably either sophomore year or junior year, and it may never end just depending on the area in which you live at.

liking someone
This is the most personal for me out of all of them. I liked three girls in middle school, one girl from each 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. There was one problem. They preferred hanging out with the other guys (Caucasians, again) instead of us 3 Asians. At the time, I didn't know much either, I just thought there was something wrong with me individually. But now, in high school, same thing happened. The girl that I currently like right now, both the guys that she likes hanging out with are Caucasians. One time, my best friend told the girl he is dating right now, he didn't know why he dated an Asian in the past. I never knew that he said that. Just from him saying that, and from what I've seen so far, there's so that bit of unfairness in equality in my opinion. I'm not saying that every Caucasian is racist, NO, I'm NOT saying that because right now, all of my closest friends from this school are caucasians and I'm very glad we all became friends with each other.

I'm thinking this is why Asians now from everywhere in the world are working their asses off, to get a good education, because they want to let everyone know that they are not just 'nobodies.' they are a somebody, each and every one of them. But I do agree with one quote from the movie 'the legend of Bruce lee' because it is somewhat true. When he was healing from a spinal recovery, he said 'why do the Americans insult us as being suck yellow Asian men? Isn't it all because we fight with each other, compete against each other in our own country that they laugh at us? If one day, we don't fight with each other anymore just to prove them wrong, I, Bruce lee, even if I will not be able to stand up anymore and remain in a wheelchair forever, I'll appreciate it.'

As for myself, im thinking this is why...the one thing that's effecting me most about relationships (even though it rarely happens, but sometimes it does) is about what my friend said, and that's....why he dated an Asian. What he said reminds me of what is happening right now with the girl I currently like, and another problem adds into it. I don't know how to work that out.

What's the purpose of street racing?

Street racing, for the most part, is where people take their built up cars onto the streets, find random people to race with, and set up a location to race at, then go on their way to that specific location and start the event. Now, in my opinion, street racing is just for the adrenaline rush. The other perhaps 40% of it, at most, is proving that you're faster than the other guy. Now, I don't street race that much, I only tend to speed because I love speeding, but if I know that the guy right next to me accelerates just as fast as me and doesn't stop when we both reach the speed limit, I know he's up to something. That's when I REALLY step on the throttle. Even though I only drive a V6 mustang which doesn't have much horsepower at all compared to other sports cars (I don't even have a cobra, which is the lowest end model for a mustang capable of racing), I still do pretty well against other sports cars that are not modified either. I have ran against a couple of people who have modded their cars but then I run out of luck and get my ass handed to me. Once in a while, I search up videos of street racing on YouTube, I always hear either friends/girlfriends/mothers weeping about a friend/boyfriend/son who ends up dying in a fatal car crash because of racing at high speeds, I do get scared and decide "well maybe I should stop speed too" but in the end, that never happens. Take today for example, I went to Los Gatos to buy keyboard covers for my sister and I because we just got our macbook pros a week ago. As I was nearing where the two lanes merge, This mercedes benz convertible comes up right beside me and the driver was also a teen (I'm thinking he was either just as old as me or a bit older) wearing a white hoodie. I do my usual hard launch, which I revved up to about 3000 RPMs then let go of the clutch and around 2000 RPMs, and start accelerating fast toward 40 mph. He didn't seem to accelerate too slowly either. By the time I hit 50, he hit 50 too, we were both parallel to each other. After that happened, I knew what he was up to, he wasn't going to give up. That was when I really floored the gas pedal in third gear sent myself up to 70 mph and then shifted into fourth gear, gradually going up to 90 mph and then the guy starts slowly down. Even this little time frame was an illegal street race because first of all, it started at a red light. Second of all, we were traveling well beyond the speed limit, I ended up being 45 mph over and the guy stopped at 70 mph, so he was 25 mph over. I always get good feeling of adrenaline rushing whenever I'm speeding, but then always, when I search up youtube videos of people street racing, there's always that sense of being scared to speed again because after all, I just started officially street racing when I got my mustang. The Lexus that I used to drive was my doors to street racing, it was my mustang that really led me into doing stuff because of the car's ability to race. For me, it took me several months to realize what I thought was fun for me. I realized that trying to find people to race with every day was not fun, because not everyone wants to come out close to the middle of the night and find some driver on the road and just start racing. I realized that for me, I only want to race once in a while but as for the rest of the time, just speed for fun. I also found out that racing is what I can use to prove myself with, because I honestly suck in academics and also in the sports that I play, but barely anyone I know races as much as I do. Yes, a ton of my friends speed and do highway runs, but no one that I know goes up against strangers as much as I do. I don't ask for it either, but I'm thinking it's because I drive a mustang and I speed excessively, and if someone with a sports car, stick shift, sees me speeding past them, they want to race with me, see if I'm really that fast.

Completely out of it

Sometimes...things in the world are just unfair, and no matter what you wish you could do, no matter what you want to do, it just won't change anything.

What if the person you really like and want to hang out with is already hanging out with two other people and is leaving at the end of the week because of someone's funeral during the weekend?

What if one of the people who she's hanging out with is someone you find completely annoying, and knowing the fact that he gets to hang out with her and you don't makes you hate them even more because HE gets to hang out with her and you don't?

What if you, yourself, know that she would rather hang out with that one person more than they would want to hang out with you? Doesn't that just make you annoyed and frustrated and just want to take out your anger by emotionally/physically hurting yourself or in some other shape or form of inflicting pain?

What if you no matter what you did that night that you received all this information, no matter what you did, not even doing your favorite hobby, could kick you out of this frustration/being upset because all you really want to do more than anything else (even the #1 thing you like to do) is to hang out with that person which will never happen before school starts?

Lastly, what if just this one thing...this ONE thing, completely destroys the rest of your break and places you in a mental situation that you just don't want to do anything, don't have interest in anything, just lay in bed and hope you can sleep for the entire week up until school starts?

Well..the only reason why I named these 'what ifs' is because that's exactly what happened to me last night. One of my friends, told me that the girl that I currently like right now is hanging out with another one of her guy friends right before she leaves again to attend someone's funeral. I know the guy doesn't even want to hang out with her that much, or he possibly does but I know less than me. That guy is also some Junior who I find to be super annoying (he was in my advanced digital animation class last year and he sat right beside me) and he gets to hang out with her before she leaves, and that leaves me with nothing. After my friend told me this last night, I had lost appetite for dinner, my mom noticed something was wrong with me but I told her I was just tired, went out driving for the night for 2 hours but I didn't get to do what I wanted so it was a complete failure. Up until now, this morning when I woke up, I'm completely out of it. I just want to sleep through the rest of break because what's the point of staying up? The thing that I want to do now more than anything else, won't happen. I wanted to go test driving at the beginning of break and get my car fixed, none of those happened. Took my car into a shop recommended by my relatives, they didn't do shit. All they told me was I was driving the car wrong and to practice it more. I've been driving that car for more than 5 months, I'm pretty sure I know the car well, but NO they told me that I DIDN'T know how to drive it well yet. So my car didn't end up getting fixed and I still haven't test drove any cars yet. Well guess what? I don't have any interest in any of those anymore...I don't even want to go out driving, because that's not what I want to do right now. I spent my entire break waiting for this specific person to come back (she had told me the approximate date), not knowing the fact that she came back a few days earlier from her trip because something happened, and now I don't get to hang out with her because she's leaving again to that exact same place on Thursday and she is unable to hang out with me because she's already hanging out with some other guy. My thoughts on all of this? Fuck this, I hate my life right now.

Someone's birthday today

Just like to make a quick post here, I wish my friend Christina happy birthday. Today in California, it is December 19th and yesterday in China it was the 19th (it's the 20th there today). Here's a little something for you too LOL XD:



LOL just kidding, or maybe not O_o

Here:



Happy Birthday haha :)

Crazy Ass Day with relatives

So...I spent my Sunday before the school finals with my dad and my relatives because we were supposed to celebrate my birthday. But instead, what did I get? a bunch of bullshit about my car, in other words, they were indirectly telling me that I had no idea how to drive stick shift. So my dad brings us (my sister and I) over to my relative's house and the first thing that happens is we have a half an hour conversation about my car. I had printed out a paper with the list of problems my car has and my grand uncle starts lecturing me about each one. Even my aunt, when she saw that one of the problems was the cigarette burner fuse, she coldly asked me "what do you need a cigarette burner fuse for?". But then my dad took over so I didn't have to answer her. So then my grand uncle kept on lecturing me about how I was shifting wrong and all that shit and I was thinking to myself "Why are you teaching me how to shift when now, in the present, I drive a stick shift car more than you do?" He was telling me how if first, second, third, AND fourth gear grinds, to first step in on the clutch the first time, shift into gear, and if the gear doesn't lock in (grinds), then move the stick back to neutral, step on the clutch again, then shift into gear again. Well guess what? I already knew that, like two months ago and have been doing it ever since. He also told me a bunch of other stuff and at that time, I was already like OMG STOP TELLING ME THIS, I ALREADY KNOW IT ALL. At then end, when I tried to reason with him, he asked me "then why bother buying a stick shift car when you don't know how to drive one?" At this point in time, when he said it, I was speechless. Here I am, LISTENING to him TELLING ME HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT when I have been driving a stick shift every single day of the week for at least 5 months. I also thought "well first of all, If I DIDN'T know how to drive a stick shift, WHY would I have bought a stick shift car in the first place and to waste seven grand on it?" So that whole conversation in total took about half an hour to 45 minutes. The funny part was, my first aunt came out first, asked about the car. Then later, my grandma came out and did the same. Third, my grand uncle came out, guess what happened? yep, he did the same thing. Then lastly, my second aunt came out, I don't even need to tell you what happened. By that time, I just gave her the piece of paper with all the problems on it, I didn't even say a word to her. I was asked the same damn question four times by four different people in less than 5 minutes, doesn't anyone find that to be a bit too annoying? I know that they wanted to show care by asking me how I was doing with the car but four times? Seriously? Come on. So then afterwards, we finally went out for lunch, and then the next thing happens. Ok, I'll just first put out that, other than 2 iPhone 4's, my relatives do not own ANY apple products. So my sister asked my dad for a Macbook Pro 15' for christmas, and I asked for an iPad 2 32GB Wifi+3G (I already have an iPad 2 myself so I got it for my mom). So then, my dad told both my aunts to check the pricing and specs for the macbook pro models they had. Since my relatives didn't know that I had a macbook, I couldn't tell them that I've used Apple laptops my whole life so I couldn't add any other input. So then they were asking my sister questions and all my sister told them was 'ask him, he's the one who knows.' So the good part was, I ended up telling them what my sister wanted and what my mom wanted so that went pretty smoothly. At first though, they were against my sister getting a macbook pro because they thought she didn't need that good of a computer. I was thinking well applications nowadays use up the computer's processor to it's best and a macbook pro is able to handle the usage pretty well. But then they kept on arguing until my dad said it was fine for her to get a macbook pro. We started eating lunch and then my dad brought up winter ball. Knowing that I didn't go to winter ball, I lied to him (yes, I lied to him, everyone lies to their parents at least once in a lifetime) saying that I had a stomach ache, blacked out on the sofa for half an hour (now this did really happen) and couldn't move because I felt paralyzed (I really couldn't feel my entire body, I was just laying there motionless). So then my aunt started blaming me for ditching my 'date' for the dance and I just started becoming really pissed because she told me to lie to my 'date' instead of telling her the truth about why I couldn't go to the 'winter formal dance' (I didn't go to the dance that night, my mom's company had a party and that's where my stomach ache started from). We argued for a good five minutes until we both got really pissed. I originally had an appetite still (I didn't eat that much to begin with) but then soon afterwards, I lost my appetite. Why? Because if I ever get super pissed while Im eating, I don't feel like eating anymore. Who was the only one who noticed that? My dad. Why? because the same thing happens to me, and he told everyone there that he had my type of personality when he was younger so he knew exactly how I felt at the time. I told him 'dad, our generation is way different from your generation now. the overall concepts are different now, everything has been changed. it's not the same as the past anymore.' So then after we finished lunch, got back to my relative's house, coincidentally their son got back home and so that's when all my relatives told me to tell him about my car problems. I told him only one problem: um...first, second, third, fourth, and reverse gears all grind. I need to have the gear synchro checked out. JUST from telling him that, he gave me a O_O expression and paused for a moment, then afterwards said wow, you may have to change the entire engine then, that's several thousands...ok well see when you're available in the next few weeks, we can take it over to a friend in San Jose to get the car checked out. I was like FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW FUCKING SERIOUS THIS IS, GOD. My main point is, NONE of my relatives actually knew how serious the problem is, only he did, which I was VERY thankful for. So I'm going to take in my car to a repair shop, get it checked out, perhaps if I'm lucky enough, even get it tuned also and see what happens afterwards. In the mean time, I plan on having Zelly drive my car once more, and this time HOPEFULLY, get her driving on the streets to get a real feel of the car when it's in crappy condition. My reason for this is, once she gets the feel for the car when it's in horrible condition, after I get my car fixed up, I'll let her drive it again and see how she feels about it.

My main point is, I'm very disappointed in the fact that...my relatives still don't understand that I am now driving a stick shift more than they are, and yet they are still teaching me how to properly drive a stick shift when I drive it every day of the week except the weekends (sometimes even on the weekends, depending on what it is) to school. Like I said above, if I didn't know how to drive stick shift, yeah, I would wisely spend the seven grand on an automatic car, rather than wasting it on a stick shift car and just letting it sit there. Also, I was also pissed at the fact that my aunt told me to lie to Zelly rather than just telling her the truth. I know that Zelly knows that I would never lie to her because I am just not that kind of person to lie to friends like that.