I...am no longer happy

I came to this realization after I had left school today. The world of cars will not provide happiness for me, I will not find happiness in the world of cars either. I still have both of my best friends right now but even then, i'm slowly starting to drift away from them. I am hanging out less with Austin now and whenever I see him, he's walking/around Brooke. After that one day we got back from December break, I've been alone, not hanging out with anyone and not socializing with anyone. Even now, I'm trying to get back to who I used to be, I can't, it's too hard. I'm reliving my past, during middle school. The group is just...not the same to me anymore. I've been pretty much 'kicked out' in a way because of my own mistake, they're just not the same around me anymore. I'm now just a loner...except when I text Brooke in the morning or late at night or when I hang out with Austin for a bit during first period on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Other than that...this is the last time I'm saying it, I have no one to hang around with.

Air Filter

Yesterday, since it was a success for me to install my short shifter handle, I decided that I would attempt to switch my air filter. So then after school, I went back home, and immediately started working. Here's the result of the experiment I tried before going to buy an air filter:

After I got this far, I knew I had done everything correctly, put the air filter back in, reconnected the long tube to the filter housing and head to Kragen Auto Parts for the second day this week. When I got there, I bought this cheap air filter that was used by the shop themselves so I bought it for I believe it was $15. I went back home, the installation took less than 10 minutes. After I finished everything, I was incredibly happy that I had successfully did another thing and I was hooked onto doing more stuff, but unfortunately, without buying more tools, I am unable to go on :(. Anyways, I might just stop for a while now because I don't know how to change the engine oil yet or the other fluids and I haven't bought washer fluid (for windshield use) and coolant fluid yet.

Steeda Tri Ax short shifter handle

So yesterday, for some reason after I successfully fixed the gas pedal mod, I wanted to move onto another mod. That mod was? Yep, it was the installation of the Steeda Tri Ax Short Shifter Handle. So before I went to sleep last night, I asked my good friend Brooke if I could borrow some tools. The tools I got from her was a 8 mm Socket (I didn't end up using this one) and a 10 mm Socket. So then today, after school, I rushed back home to start the process only to know that the 10 mm socket that I got from her did not fit on the two nuts that held the shifter handle onto the base. So then, I immediately drove to Kragen Auto Parts only to realize that I needed more than just those two sockets. This one guy was very knowledgeable about this kind of stuff and so he informed me that I needed a breaker bar, at least to loosen the nut and then use the 8 mm socket to completely remove it. So then I bought the breaker bar along with another 8 mm socket (because one end of it had to fit the breaker bar) and went home. After I went home, I tried for about 10 minutes to try and loosen up the nuts but whatever I did, I just couldn't loosen it. So then by this time, I was completely frustrated and drove back to Kragen to ask for additional tips. I then told the guy I wanted to show him what was wrong and he agreed to follow me back to my car. I then showed him what my problem was and right then, he proved to me that I was as dumb as hell. He said "lefty loosey righty tight." He loosened the two nuts easily and so after that, I went back into the store, bought a whole amateur set of sockets and another socket to fit the two nuts that came with the short shifter handle. After that, I rushed back home to get started on the process. This was where the real work started. I twisted off the shift knob, took off the center console, then removed the shift boot. After I removed the shift boot, I used the 8 mm socket attached to the breaker bar and started to loosen up the two nuts. To my expectations, the two nuts did start coming lose and so I switched to the 8 mm socket and the wrench that I got from Brooke to remove both the nuts. After that, I took off the stock shifter handle only to think that I needed to use a part from the stock handle for the new handle. So I spent a good 15 minutes wasting all my strength trying to pry the foam material off only to later realize that I didn't need to do that at all. After I thought that all was lost and that this had proven to be a failed attempt, I did a last search online and that's when I noticed my mistake. I went onto the page with the shifter handle and checked thoroughly to see if there was a tutorial on how to install it. Sure enough, there was. I realized that I had been completely oblivious to the fact that it had been there the whole time and that I was just careless enough to miss it. After I checked it out, I immediately knew 100% on what to do. So then I started doing what it told me to do in the process but then that's when something critical happened. I was tightening on one of the nuts when suddenly, the 8 mm socket fell off the wrench and then down below the shifter base. By the time this happened, I thought "oh shit, I don't have a jack stand and I don't know how to open up the bottom of the car either, what do I do now...?" I thought of calling my mom but I KNEW she would be extremely mad. So then I still ended up calling her, that was no help. I asked her for my godfather's phone number but she told me he was busy and that he was going to go to her office later during the night, so that didn't help either. So then I called Kragen Auto Parts, they couldn't do anything about it. I called Triple A and they said they didn't have anyone who could do it. So then what I thought was my last attempt and I really didn't' want to do it, was to call my relatives. To my very GOOD luck, they weren't home either. So then at this time, I thought 'ok well I am really screwed now. the stock shifter handle is most likely officially unusable so I have to find a way to make the new handle useable.' What happened was that for some strange reason, I thought I could feel my way below the shifter base and see where the socket was and see if I could try and get it out. So I ended up doing so and in the end, I found it. It wasn't that deep so I thought I would be in luck. I tried sticking a screwdriver in there but the socket was at an angle so the screwdriver couldn't even touch it. Then I thought of sliding my pointer in deeper into the small crack and it actually did hurt a bit but it was manageable (cut my skin a lot) and I managed to slide the socket to the wider end of the hole. I knew I had to go on with this no matter how much pain there was because first of all, this was a friend's socket after all. Second, I wouldn't know what would happen if I left the socket in there and just went for a drive with it being stuck in the exterior of the car, next to the shifter linkage. So then after I got a hold of the socket with both my pointer and middle finger, I decide to swap out my middle finger and stick my thumb in, to see if I could pull out the socket. To my surprise, I pulled it out. After that, I just felt RELIEVED. I texted my mom telling her that everything was ok now and I continued on with the installation. It didn't take long after that, all I had to do was screw on both the nuts tight and I was done. That only took like 2 minutes max so in the end, everything worked out fine and I got the socket out. Then, I went out for a test drive to test out the shifting through all the gears and everything worked perfectly. This was a win win situation. Even though my hands still hurt as of this moment I'm typing up this post, the pain is worth trading for what I got in return. This was once again, a win win situation.

Pedal mod and heel to toe downshifting? I think so

So two days ago, I did my very first mod, which happened to be the gas pedal mod (now I can open 100% throttle instead of only being stuck at 80-90% throttle). I used an air pressure hose and two clamps, pulled the gas pedal towards the driver's seat, and found out that there was about a little more than an inch of throttle room to play with. So I cut an inch of pressure hose off of the original, I'd say about 4 inches and then later stuck the two hose clamps onto the pressure hose. Then here's the hard part. I had to squeeze myself UNDER the steering wheel to get access to the throttle cable (there is another way opening full throttle but it's actually going under the hood, unscrewing some screws, and then by trial and error trying to guess what was the best fit for 100% throttle). So I start trying to fit the air pressure hose onto the throttle cable a few times and find out that it's a pain in the ass because of the cable end. I tried so many times that I started cramping up in my lower back and my shoulders. It ended up being that the bottom half of my body was outside the car and the top half of my body under the steering wheel. It was a good 45 minutes until I actually managed to secure the pressure hose onto the throttle cable, and now I was read to start the hard part. Then I had to put on two hose clamps and tighten them with a socket with a screwdriver head. Now, when I started this, I had absolutely NO idea how I would get up there to the throttle cable and tighten the clamps. This included more cramping up of the lower back as well as my shoulders. This one section took me about 15 minutes to get, so in total it took me about an hour to finish when in reality should have taken me about a few minutes. It was hard work, but it ended up being successful...for about a little more than half a day. While it stayed intact though, I had a chance to experience what heel to toe shifting was like. I did a few good ones in the morning but by the time afternoon hit, I was revving too high and sometimes not enough so the car ended up jerking forward. Half an hour after school ended today, I drove to home depot, went to pick up two clamps and a socket wrench and headed back home to see if there was an alternate solution to the pressure hose because I KNEW that the pressure hose wouldn't stay for long. I was right. After I went to Home Depot a second time to buy plastic tubing, I went on over to Orchard Supply Hardware, only to have the pressure hose fall off two traffic lights before my destination. Thankfully it was just two traffic lights because I had already gotten used to the full throttle power so I wasn't used to only 80% throttle power. I spent a good half hour at OSH to finally get the things I wanted, and so I headed home satisfied. Right when I got home, I got down to business. I spent nearly half an hour trying to cut a gap in the nylon spacers with a razor blade tool. I made a few dents in the wooden table but whatever, I had no time to worry about that. Instead, I took a small towel which looked to be estimating 9x9. After I got the towel, I got back to cutting the cap. I now realize why when people use razor blade tools, they wear gloves. NO, nothing happened to me but I was close for a ton of times. So after I had made a decent gap in the nylon spacer, I went into my garage and started working. I placed a blanket on the ground underneath the pedals and placed my phone under the pedals in front of the blanket. Since the ground of the car was not completely flat, I used a shoe to make my phone flat and used a flashlight application to my advantage. I got the flashlight to shine just where the throttle cable was and started to fit the nylon spacer onto it. I tried a few times but it didn't end up working as well as I had hoped so I went back into the house a few more times to widen the gap. Finally, it worked, so I snapped the nylon spacer onto the throttle cable and put duct tape over it. I went out for a test drive afterwards and I LOVED the feeling of full throttle being back. I just hope it stays on now...unlike the *cough**cough* pressure hose *cough**cough*.

I completely forgot about this

I just realized that I should perhaps post the three videos I made of how to drive stick shift, here they are:


This is part 1


This is part 2


This is a remake of both of the videos above

Track and autocross as an addition to drag racing?

So last night...I was on facebook and this SHS alumni from 2 years ago commented on one of my statuses. This guy was in my digital photography class 2 years ago and to be honest, I thought he was quite annoying but funny at times. But this isn't the point. I had no idea he was a professional track racer and have done many autocross runs as well. He was teaching me about how to downshift without the need to use the synchronizer (needed for single clutch downshifting but if it were to be double clutch downshifting, the synchronizer is not needed but it still makes the engine match up with the speed of the gears). So he showed me a video of him doing a run at one of the tracks somewhere down south near UC Riverside (school that he goes to). Later on, he tells me to record myself going through gears (both up shifting and downshifting) and perhaps if i get lucky, have performance companies sponsor my car. By this time, I was hooked, literally hooked. I immediately had respect for him, #1 reason being he's done track runs before and also autocross. Then he tells me that I should try going out for autocross too in which I responded that I am open to any opportunities that are given to me. So hopefully in the near future i'll get to run some tracks as well as autocross but first, I need to improve on performance driving.

What now?

So...ever since last week that incident happened on Monday, I chose to go down this road only to realize today, one whole week after, that there is no end to this. The only way to end it is if the person is willing to come and talk to me again which I know won't happen so I don't quite know how this is going to end...crap.

still in the midst of being mentally lost...

So...now...Monday night, the last day of a 3 day weekend thanks to Martin Luther King Jr who was born on this day...god bless him (I am atheist but he deserves praise). Anyways...this post isn't about him (no offense MLK), it's a couple of hours before i'm sleeping but...my mind has already gone back to 'that' mood that I was in 3 days ago...still thinking about the same old stuff, gonna go back to being in my own world again when school starts tomorrow. I'll start coming back to myself once this whole thing ends...but I am unsure of when it WILL end...(sigh)

Manual Transmission driving techniques

Ever since I got my manual transmission mustang, I have been trying to improving my basic and advanced driving techniques. I've been at it for a good 3 months or so and know how to execute most of them pretty well. There is one that I verbally know how to do but I can't actually do it, and that would be drifting. I'll save that for last. Now, onto the rest of the techniques. There are 3 different forms of downshifting (heel-to-toe technique, double clutch technique, single clutch technique), 3 forms of acceleration (normal launch, medium powered launch, hard launch), 2 forms of upshifting (quick shifting and power shifting), and 3 forms of drifting (faint drifting, clutch kick technique, and the real form of drifting).

Downshifting
Let's start with downshifting first.

1). First method of downshifting is heel to toe technique. Now, no stick shift driver ever uses this (or barely uses it) during daily driving, or day to day driving. Only track racers use this technique to not lose any speed and to gain speed coming out of a corner. What you do is..say ur traveling at 50 and approaching a corner. You have to slow down right? Of course you do. What you do is as your approaching the corner, start stepping on the brakes with the top half of your foot. As your going through the turn, step in on the clutch, then rev match by stepping on the gas pedal using the bottom half of your foot. As you are doing this, shift down to the appropriate gear to go through the corner and exit out of the corner without losing speed and easily gaining speed afterwards. I haven't tried this yet because my car's brakes and gas pedal are too far from each other so I am unable to do this braking technique. Now onto the second method of downshifting.

2). The second method of downshifting is the double clutch technique. Now, SOME manual transmission drivers use this type of braking technique, but not everyone though. What you do is basically the same thing from when you start the heel to toe technique, as you approach the corner, start stepping on the brakes. After you get to the appropriate speed, step in on the clutch, move the shifter into neutral, let off the clutch. Immediately after you let off the clutch, rev match, then step in on the clutch again and this time, shift down a gear and then let off the clutch. I've successfully learned how to do this a few times (the car still lurches when I do it sometimes so I haven't fully mastered the technique yet and this technique strains my upper left leg because the clutch pedal is so high). By the time your done with the entire process, you should be able to go through the corner smoothly and accelerate out of the corner with ease. Now onto the third method of downshifting.

3). Almost everyone does this technique, the single clutch technique, to slow down to a red light about to turn green or to just simply go down a gear before coming to a complete stop. What you do is basically the same thing as the double clutch technique except it's literally half the amount of steps. What you do is whether you're coming into a turn or just stoping at a red light/stop sign, step on the brakes to the appropriate speed. After you do that, step on the clutch, and then rev match and downshift at the same time. That's it. Usually it's easier for me to do this going from 4^th gear to 3^rd gear than from 3^rd gear to 2^nd gear because from 4^th to 3^rdit's just moving the shifter upwards as for 3^rd to 2^nd you're moving the shifter from top middle to bottom left, which is harder of course. You also have to be careful not to over rev the engine or rev too little because both mistakes will cause the car to still lurch forward and it won't be a smooth transition.

Ok, so now that I've covered the different techniques for downshifting, let's go over the different types of acceleration you can execute.

Types of Acceleration

1). First type of acceleration is a normal launch. It's the most simple one and of course the safest, meaning without involving any wheel spin. Basically all you want to do is slowly let off the clutch in first gear, then when you start feeling that the clutch has engaged the engine (when the car starts to vibrate/move), start adding a little bit of gas also to give the car gas and to make the engine match up to the speed you're moving at. Then as your car is moving, slowly let off the clutch for a smooth transition on moving/coasting in first gear. This is a normal launch. Now, I'm going to talk about a medium powered launch.

2). The second type of acceleration is a medium powered launch (at least it's what I call it). What you do is basically when you're in first gear, rev the engine to about at least 2000 RPMs, then completely dump the clutch and as soon as the tachometer hits it's peak point, quickly upshift. You want to upshift as quick as you can because you don't want to burn out your clutch. Now, when you launch, your wheels might spin a tiny bit but not as much as when you do a hard launch which is what I'm going to talk about next.

3). Now, a hard launch is absolutely unnecessary unless you are going to just randomly screw around with someone on the road (which I don't recommend unless you are SURE you can keep good control of your car) or...you're at a drag strip because that's the only place where you actually can do a legit peel out prior to a power launch. A hard launch is also pretty simple. What you do is basically rev your engine to at least 2500 RPMs or even go 3000 RPMs if you want (the RPM value depends on what type of car you have as well as how strong your engine is). For me it's between 2500-3000 RPMs so all I do is rev the engine that high and then dump the clutch. After I dump the clutch, I do a peel out (it's to get better traction on the road) and then launch forward at fast speed and have to immediately shift into 2^nd gear or else I'll redline the car. I haven't done this before but taking experience from doing medium powered launches (I've done a few, my wheels did spin a bit and I had to immediately shift into 2^nd gear). Ok, so now that I am done talking about the different forms of acceleration, let's go onto the different ways of upshifting.

Upshifting
Let's go over the two methods of upshifting now.

1). The first method of upshifting is quick shifting. What quick shifting is, put into simple terms, it's shifting within a half a second to a full second. It's pretty much like 5x the speed of how a normal upshift is supposed to take. For me, if I quick shift correctly, I shift within half a second, and that's from first to second gear and from third to fourth gear since it's just moving the gear shifter from the top to the bottom. Second gear to third gear takes longer but only by a little. That's all there is to quick shifting, now onto power shifting which is a bit more complicated but it can be done with practice.

2). The second form of upshifting is called power shifting. This damages your transmission overall in the long run but it'll damage your transmission even more if you do it wrong. Basically what you do is, floor the gas pedal, then when it comes time to shift you don't let go of the gas pedal but instead, step in on the clutch, upshift as quick as you can (recommended between half as second to a second to avoid excessively damaging the transmission), and then let go of the clutch. The one benefit to power shifting is that you will not get a lag and you won't lose speed. The one bad part about power shifting is that like I mentioned just above, it'll damage your transmission overall.

Now that I'm done talking about the different forms of upshifting, let's talk about the different ways of how you can drift (YES, the FUN part ^^).

Drifting
Let's talk about the different techniques of drifting now.

1). The first drifting technique is called faint drifting. With faint drifting, you don't even need the clutch. All that is required for this drifting technique is weight transfer of the car. I've only seen this done with a '11 or '12 V6 mustang/GT mustang but if this car can do it, that means it can be done. What you do is as you're entering the turn, shift the entire car's weight away from the turn and then once you do that immediately steer the car in the direction of the turn. The result of this should make the back wheels to skid which means when you start counter steering, this will result in a drift, but that's IF you did it correctly. Ok, now onto the second technique for drifting, the clutch kick technique.

2). The second technique for drifting is the clutch kick technique. This is pretty easy too but it takes time to perfect. What you do is, right when you enter the turn, you dump the clutch, but then as you release the clutch, floor the gas pedal. This results in the rear wheels losing traction, therefore starting to slide. After that happens, begin to counter steer. If you did this right, you should now be drifting by just dumping the clutch and flooring the gas pedal. Now, onto the real form of drifting.

3). The third and final technique of drifting are only for those who already know how to do 90 degree turns, 180 degree turns, 360 degree turns, 90 degree turns including pulling the handbrake, etc. What you do is, before you enter the turn, step on the brakes, then perform a heel-to-toe to downshift into a lower gear. Then, after you are in the lower gear, pull the handbrake, and start going onto the turn. When you are going into the turn, perform the clutch kick technique, which is like I mentioned above, dumping the clutch but as you let off the clutch, floor the gas pedal and let off the handbrake. Finally, you just start counter steering and if everything goes as expected, you should be successfully drifting. Also, if you want to do a continuous drift, remember to just step in on the clutch if you find yourself start to straighten out of the drift.

One thing I would like to add. The reason why I know how to explain how to drift verbally and not know how to actually do it is because I've seen Tokyo Drift tons of times and have closely examined how they go into a drift all the way through how they come out of a drift. Also, I have watched youtube videos on how Drift King drifted with an eight six.

My life is somewhat fucked up right now

Yes, nothing from the title is a typo. Ever since 2 days ago, I've lost my appetite. starting from that day, including today, I have only eaten 2-3 complete meals. that first night, I couldn't fall asleep until around 11-12. Last night? I fell asleep at around 10:30 and woke up at 12:25 A.M. Why? I had a dream that I had killed myself. Then from 12:25 A.M. to 6:50 A.M., I had 2 dreams connected into one dream but the dream overall was still pretty bad. Yesterday, due to 2 days of not eating anything (only drank liquids, and no not alcohol lol, but barely drank either), I fainted, started having chest pains, and started having minor headaches and couldn't concentrate on homework. This was due to something that had happened, I honestly don't know how it even started because I had only told my two friends and I don't think either of them would bring it up. Coincidentally, on that day, while I was driving back from Office Max, for the first time, my clutch has slipped. Now, on a manual transmission car, it is a CRUCIAL problem when the clutch slips because that means there is something seriously wrong with the clutch. At the same time, when I turned on the engine, the gear shifter was vibrating way too hard, and it started to make me scared. When I got back home, I immediately called the repair shop that I brought my car to, only to hear a surprise. I told the guy who checked out my car a few weeks ago, he told me that he only fixed Import Tuner Cars. For those who are wondering and don't know what an import tuner car is, it's basically an japanese sports car who have been either modified or not modified. Take a...Honda Civic Hatchback for example. a Civic Hatchback is an import tuner car. My car, a mustang, it's an American Muscle Car, so for me to have heard that he only fixes import tuner cars, destroyed me. My dad had taken me to the wrong place to get my car checked out. I had to reassure myself that I heard right so I asked him, "Import Tuners? You mean japanese cars?" and then he said "yes, japanese cars. what do you own? a ford mustang?" I replied with "Yes, a Ford Mustang." He then replied with "sorry but I only fix Import Tuner cars." After that I just completely 100% froze, the only thing I could reply with was "ok, thanks." After I hung up the phone, I was 100% pissed. I pounded the table in front of me and started having a massive breakdown (Yes, I cried because at that point in time, I knew that my second most prized possession had a 50% possibility that it wouldn't be able to be fixed because I don't know of any muscle car repair shops in the area). I cried for at least 10 minutes and my sister came out to check out what had happened. She had never seen me cry like that in years (perhaps ever since my grandpa passed away). So that was the first main thing that destroyed me emotionally. The second thing that happened was, I received a text message from someone (I'm not going to disclose who sent it to me or what it contained) but after I read through the whole thing, I was completely frozen on my bed with anger, depression, and sadness. I didn't know what to do. Then a few minutes later, I received another message, this time completely ruining my pride in stick shift driving/teaching. By THAT time, I was just...completely beat down. I didn't know what to do. I started having suicidal thoughts (I had a 2 inch pocket knife in front of me) and started rubbing my thumb and pointer finger against the sharp side. Later, I actually let go of the pocket knife and went straight for my garage. Why? because there was a half empty bottle of wine in the refrigerator that was in the garage and I had full access to it. I opened the fridge door, stared at that one specific wine bottle for at least 5 min, finally deciding to let go of that too. Ever since that night, I have lost my appetite, only ate a few crackers, a few pieces of chocolate, drank 2 cups of soy milk, and 4 bottles of Propel. I know for a fact that humans can survive 2 weeks with only consuming liquids, but only 1 week if not consuming any liquids or solid objects. I guess I am on that road now considering what has happened to me so far. I've gone light headed many times, I don't know even how I am managing to still stay up doing daily activities like this. I haven't slept well for the past few days and haven't eaten anything. In fact, I've gained one pound through these 2 days, that's what's weird to me. All I'm doing right now is just waiting...because I do feel that something is going to happen. I absolutely don't know what's going to happen but I do feel that something is going to happen. I'm just hoping that this ends soon because I won't be able to pull this off in the long run, might even fall short. I do have one problem though...

Missing someone...

I did not think the feeling of missing someone would prove to be so painful. It's almost as if...you really want something but you just cannot get it because something is obstructing your way in getting that one thing. There are two people who I miss right now but for each person, the feeling of "missing" them is different. The first person, the type of feeling of 'missing' them is knowing the fact that you will not be able to see them anymore unless it's through webcam chatting, and all you have are months and months of memories u had with them from the past. Those memories keep on coming back to me each and ever day, especially these few days. I only have one visual memory of her but I will not mention where it is.

The second person, the type of 'missing' them is you really want to see them and hang out with them but you can't, because they are doing something that's far more important in terms of 'family comes first' and respect over a hang out with a friend. I had originally planned on hanging out with her yesterday but it was not possible because she had to go down south to her home town for a special occasion. Now I just want break to end because as soon as school starts, I'll see her then and will be able to calm down. She also promised me something but I don't know how that's gonna be possible considering the fact that I will need to excuse myself to leave the house but I will need a very good reason.

I miss both of these people a lot and cannot describe the mental condition I am in right now as well as physically.

Something I hate against my own ethnicity

I sometimes hate being an Asian even though I am one...I've spent 2 days thinking about why this is and now I finally kow why.

You have to be a super smart Asian who stands out from the others to not be teased, not be insulted, and not to be judged. All of what I'm about to say right now comes from my own experience and my thoughts from what I've seen before.

being teased
I've been teased ever since middle school, because I was immature, didn't know better, always followed what other people did (I still do right now, sometimes). I didn't have that many good friends, though the real friends that I have were actually good friends to me. The people who teased me were all caucasians. I don't want to sound like I'm racist and I really do mean it when I say this becaude when I was in middle school, most of those kids used me, guided me wrong. When I thought they were just trying to be friendly with me, no, that was wrong too.

insulted
I was insulted just as much as I was being teased. Now, there were 2 other Asians in my grade as well but they were academically beyond my level, so what exactly happened to me? This was what happened. I was called names, looked down on as a nobody. I was even used as 'bait' during games, no matter if it was during P.E or actual recess time after lunch period. Just whenever they got the chance, they either teased/insulted/looked down on me. Even now, in in high school, same thing happens. Sometimes they get to a point where they piss me off a lot, or sometimes I just ignore them because their arguments prove to be worthless to argue about. For some people, this just isn't right. Now I'm not talking about the adults or anything, because I know that adults know better about what is right and what is wrong, I'm talking specifically about young adults who are either my age, just a bit older than me, or a bit younger than me, because they don't understand it yet. Now, I know I can't blame them since young adults brains don't fully develop until they are 25 (learned this from psychology class XD), but the thing is I believe they can still be given the information from their parents in an easier way. The time when most of this hits is definitely in high school, perhaps probably either sophomore year or junior year, and it may never end just depending on the area in which you live at.

liking someone
This is the most personal for me out of all of them. I liked three girls in middle school, one girl from each 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. There was one problem. They preferred hanging out with the other guys (Caucasians, again) instead of us 3 Asians. At the time, I didn't know much either, I just thought there was something wrong with me individually. But now, in high school, same thing happened. The girl that I currently like right now, both the guys that she likes hanging out with are Caucasians. One time, my best friend told the girl he is dating right now, he didn't know why he dated an Asian in the past. I never knew that he said that. Just from him saying that, and from what I've seen so far, there's so that bit of unfairness in equality in my opinion. I'm not saying that every Caucasian is racist, NO, I'm NOT saying that because right now, all of my closest friends from this school are caucasians and I'm very glad we all became friends with each other.

I'm thinking this is why Asians now from everywhere in the world are working their asses off, to get a good education, because they want to let everyone know that they are not just 'nobodies.' they are a somebody, each and every one of them. But I do agree with one quote from the movie 'the legend of Bruce lee' because it is somewhat true. When he was healing from a spinal recovery, he said 'why do the Americans insult us as being suck yellow Asian men? Isn't it all because we fight with each other, compete against each other in our own country that they laugh at us? If one day, we don't fight with each other anymore just to prove them wrong, I, Bruce lee, even if I will not be able to stand up anymore and remain in a wheelchair forever, I'll appreciate it.'

As for myself, im thinking this is why...the one thing that's effecting me most about relationships (even though it rarely happens, but sometimes it does) is about what my friend said, and that's....why he dated an Asian. What he said reminds me of what is happening right now with the girl I currently like, and another problem adds into it. I don't know how to work that out.

What's the purpose of street racing?

Street racing, for the most part, is where people take their built up cars onto the streets, find random people to race with, and set up a location to race at, then go on their way to that specific location and start the event. Now, in my opinion, street racing is just for the adrenaline rush. The other perhaps 40% of it, at most, is proving that you're faster than the other guy. Now, I don't street race that much, I only tend to speed because I love speeding, but if I know that the guy right next to me accelerates just as fast as me and doesn't stop when we both reach the speed limit, I know he's up to something. That's when I REALLY step on the throttle. Even though I only drive a V6 mustang which doesn't have much horsepower at all compared to other sports cars (I don't even have a cobra, which is the lowest end model for a mustang capable of racing), I still do pretty well against other sports cars that are not modified either. I have ran against a couple of people who have modded their cars but then I run out of luck and get my ass handed to me. Once in a while, I search up videos of street racing on YouTube, I always hear either friends/girlfriends/mothers weeping about a friend/boyfriend/son who ends up dying in a fatal car crash because of racing at high speeds, I do get scared and decide "well maybe I should stop speed too" but in the end, that never happens. Take today for example, I went to Los Gatos to buy keyboard covers for my sister and I because we just got our macbook pros a week ago. As I was nearing where the two lanes merge, This mercedes benz convertible comes up right beside me and the driver was also a teen (I'm thinking he was either just as old as me or a bit older) wearing a white hoodie. I do my usual hard launch, which I revved up to about 3000 RPMs then let go of the clutch and around 2000 RPMs, and start accelerating fast toward 40 mph. He didn't seem to accelerate too slowly either. By the time I hit 50, he hit 50 too, we were both parallel to each other. After that happened, I knew what he was up to, he wasn't going to give up. That was when I really floored the gas pedal in third gear sent myself up to 70 mph and then shifted into fourth gear, gradually going up to 90 mph and then the guy starts slowly down. Even this little time frame was an illegal street race because first of all, it started at a red light. Second of all, we were traveling well beyond the speed limit, I ended up being 45 mph over and the guy stopped at 70 mph, so he was 25 mph over. I always get good feeling of adrenaline rushing whenever I'm speeding, but then always, when I search up youtube videos of people street racing, there's always that sense of being scared to speed again because after all, I just started officially street racing when I got my mustang. The Lexus that I used to drive was my doors to street racing, it was my mustang that really led me into doing stuff because of the car's ability to race. For me, it took me several months to realize what I thought was fun for me. I realized that trying to find people to race with every day was not fun, because not everyone wants to come out close to the middle of the night and find some driver on the road and just start racing. I realized that for me, I only want to race once in a while but as for the rest of the time, just speed for fun. I also found out that racing is what I can use to prove myself with, because I honestly suck in academics and also in the sports that I play, but barely anyone I know races as much as I do. Yes, a ton of my friends speed and do highway runs, but no one that I know goes up against strangers as much as I do. I don't ask for it either, but I'm thinking it's because I drive a mustang and I speed excessively, and if someone with a sports car, stick shift, sees me speeding past them, they want to race with me, see if I'm really that fast.

Completely out of it

Sometimes...things in the world are just unfair, and no matter what you wish you could do, no matter what you want to do, it just won't change anything.

What if the person you really like and want to hang out with is already hanging out with two other people and is leaving at the end of the week because of someone's funeral during the weekend?

What if one of the people who she's hanging out with is someone you find completely annoying, and knowing the fact that he gets to hang out with her and you don't makes you hate them even more because HE gets to hang out with her and you don't?

What if you, yourself, know that she would rather hang out with that one person more than they would want to hang out with you? Doesn't that just make you annoyed and frustrated and just want to take out your anger by emotionally/physically hurting yourself or in some other shape or form of inflicting pain?

What if you no matter what you did that night that you received all this information, no matter what you did, not even doing your favorite hobby, could kick you out of this frustration/being upset because all you really want to do more than anything else (even the #1 thing you like to do) is to hang out with that person which will never happen before school starts?

Lastly, what if just this one thing...this ONE thing, completely destroys the rest of your break and places you in a mental situation that you just don't want to do anything, don't have interest in anything, just lay in bed and hope you can sleep for the entire week up until school starts?

Well..the only reason why I named these 'what ifs' is because that's exactly what happened to me last night. One of my friends, told me that the girl that I currently like right now is hanging out with another one of her guy friends right before she leaves again to attend someone's funeral. I know the guy doesn't even want to hang out with her that much, or he possibly does but I know less than me. That guy is also some Junior who I find to be super annoying (he was in my advanced digital animation class last year and he sat right beside me) and he gets to hang out with her before she leaves, and that leaves me with nothing. After my friend told me this last night, I had lost appetite for dinner, my mom noticed something was wrong with me but I told her I was just tired, went out driving for the night for 2 hours but I didn't get to do what I wanted so it was a complete failure. Up until now, this morning when I woke up, I'm completely out of it. I just want to sleep through the rest of break because what's the point of staying up? The thing that I want to do now more than anything else, won't happen. I wanted to go test driving at the beginning of break and get my car fixed, none of those happened. Took my car into a shop recommended by my relatives, they didn't do shit. All they told me was I was driving the car wrong and to practice it more. I've been driving that car for more than 5 months, I'm pretty sure I know the car well, but NO they told me that I DIDN'T know how to drive it well yet. So my car didn't end up getting fixed and I still haven't test drove any cars yet. Well guess what? I don't have any interest in any of those anymore...I don't even want to go out driving, because that's not what I want to do right now. I spent my entire break waiting for this specific person to come back (she had told me the approximate date), not knowing the fact that she came back a few days earlier from her trip because something happened, and now I don't get to hang out with her because she's leaving again to that exact same place on Thursday and she is unable to hang out with me because she's already hanging out with some other guy. My thoughts on all of this? Fuck this, I hate my life right now.